are you fucking kidding me?
ROUND TWO
HAYLEY'S
picks
SARAH'S
picks
SAG WINNER
hope hicks
SARAH'S BRACKET
Hicks v. Pence
sag: Hicks. According to "Fire and Fury," Trump told Hicks, “You’re the best piece of tail [Lewandowski’ll] ever have.” Trump also reportedly seems to treat Hicks “in a protective and even paternal way.” If there’s one thing we know about Trump, it’s that he likes to keep women he finds attractive close and his family closer. Like Ivanka, Hicks proves that sometimes, those two qualities are one and the same. Unlike her blonde counterpart, Hicks beats out Pence in the blood vs. water game, mostly because while Ivanka is complicit in Trump’s actions, Hicks actually seems to support and help his agenda.
HAYLEY'S BRACKET
Hicks v. I. Trump
hmc: Hicks. Ivanka Trump is an easier target for the public to hate (or already does - especially when she tried to hop into the #MeToo movement) because of the whole nepotism/dynastic thing (no biggie, just routine functioning of the American democracy). But the nail in Ivanka’s coffin is news that White House Staff refer to Hicks as Trump’s “real daughter” and to Ivanka as Trump’s “real wife.” If there’s anything we know about Trump, it’s that he has no qualms about dumping his wife.
HMC WINNER
hope hicks
SAG WINNER
nikki haley
SAG WINNER
james mattis
Haley v. Friedman
sag: Haley. I think that the GOP will not let Haley slip away. She is one of the few people in the party who successfully interacts with both rank-in-file Republicans and Trump himself, probably because she spends minimal time with either. She is also just brainwashed enough to defend the president and coherent enough to not sound crazy while doing so, making her a valuable asset to Trump.
hmc: Haley for sure. She’s the well-accomplished darling of the Republican party (whatever that is right now), and she’s among the last remaining evidence that old Republican men can point to and say, “Our party is GREAT for women! See? See??” And she’s far enough away from Trump as UN Ambassador that she doesn’t have to deal with too much of Trump’s bullshit. Friedman has extreme views, but he’s kind of forgettable and honestly, Jews with hardline right views on Israel are a dime a dozen. Trust me, my high school made me sit and listen to a LOT of them.
Mattis v. Chao
sag: I say Mattis. I think Chao will burn out. Also, if there is ever a major McConnell/Trump rift, I think Chao will either leave or be fired. Trump is too petty to allow a Donald-in-the-streets, Mitch-in-the-sheets situation.
hmc: Mattis. But this was a hard one. Both are experienced and politically adept. Both have remained on Trump’s good side. I just think the stakes are higher for firing Mattis. Instead fixing crumbling bridges, Mattis helps manage nukes. Not necessarily more deadly, but definitely more dramatic.
HMC WINNER
nikki haley
HMC WINNER
james mattis
SAG WINNER
kellyanne
conway
Conway v. Cohn
sag: Conway. I think she is in it for the long haul. She will go down with Trump like a Tuba player on the Titanic. The Trump administration is her baby, her everything. Cohn, on the other hand, has seen life on the other side. He knows that there is more to life than advising economic policy that helps the uber-rich: if he returns to investment banking, he can reap the benefits of said economic policy and become uber-richer.
Conway v. Mnuchin
hmc: Conway. She hitched her wagon to the Trump campaign early on and if I know anything about hitches (I don’t), hers is a good one. She’s taking this train all the way to the station (ok I’ll stop with the transportation metaphors, you get the point). Also, based on her MANY guest appearances on CNN in which she lied to the camera, I’m not sure any one else would hire her. Mnuchin is a Wall Street bro and, as everyone knows, Wall Street bros must return home once every two years or else their outsized confidence withers and dies. Meaning: Mnuchin will go back to making bank, instead of advising a frustrating, petulant and distracted president. And really, can you blame him? It sounds miserable in there.
HMC WINNER
kellyanne
conway
rick perry
SAG WINNER
Sanders v. Perry
sag: Sanders, but this one is difficult. I don’t think Sanders is going to leave anytime soon, but I think there is more room for error in her job than in Perry’s. If Trump ever wants some kind of image change (unlikely, but who knows), he’d find more success changing out Sanders than Perry, who flies under the radar.
DeVos v. Perry
hmc: This is a hard one, but I think DeVos. Perry took a big L in the last 24 hours when federal regulators unanimously rejected his plan to Bring Back Coal. Ouch. DeVos has proved more tactful than I thought, even if she is who Democrats love to hate. Remember that DeVos is not nearly the most controversial of Trump’s cabinet members. School choice is so mainstream (lamestream) these days.
HMC WINNER
betsy devos
SAG WINNER
scott pruitt
Pruitt v. Coats
sag: Scotty. Pruitt, whose hobbies include skinning baby polar bears and burning copies of “The Giving Tree,” apparently has his sights set on the Attorney General position. If that’s true, he is going to do everything he can to stay in Trump’s good graces. Coats is less committed to standing by his president; he even testified in February that he believes there was Russian collusion.
McMahon v. Kelly
hmc: Kelly. This one was a soft ball. Like I said in the last round, if Kelly was going to go, he would have been gone a while ago. Plus I’m betting a retired Marine Corp general could beat a retired WWE “wrestler.”
HMC WINNER
john kelly
SAG WINNER
mike pompeo
SAG WINNER
stephen miller
Perdue v. Pompeo
sag: Pompeo. Our winner clarified on Fox and Friends that the President does, in fact, read. He also said he provides him with daily briefings on North Korea. What, with his bold defense of Trump’s literacy and his invaluable daily dose of shitty policy advice, Pompeo is more far more relevant than Perdue to the president.
hmc: Pompeo. He’s not burdened by these cumbersome “democratic norms” where intelligence officials don’t get political, and Trump appreciates that in public servants. The least Perdue could do is tweet something flattering.
Hassett v. Miller
sag: Miller. He mirrors Trump’s obsession with attacking the press, as put on display during his interview/meltdown with Jake Tapper. He attacked “Fire and Fury” more aggressively than pretty much anyone else in the Trump Administration. And he continues to share in Trump’s most populist, most repugnant tendencies. Trump is Miller and Miller is Trump and I can’t see a world in which either would let go of the other.
hmc: Miller. Easy. After his “stellar” performance trashing Bannon on cable news, Trump loves Miller even more than he did a week ago. Trump will for sure pick the sycophant over the experienced economist any day. Plus Hassett used to work for weakling John McCain (who was stupid enough to get captured) and Mitt Romney (who “choked like a dog” (how does a dog choke?) in the 2012 election).
HMC WINNER
mike pompeo
HMC WINNER