A VERY AYFKM PASSOVER SPECIAL
by sarah gruen
Tomorrow marks the first day of my people’s annual 8-Day Atkins Diet!
I would be lying if I said that my favorite part of the seder was anything other than eating Sarah Bernhardt cookies. Or finding the afikomen (hidden matzo) and getting a crisp $5 in return (that’s 5 slices of post-pesach-pizza). Or singing “Dayenu” (“it would have been enough”) but subbing in the name of my enemy so it sounds like I’m singing “Die, Die Amy.*”
*Name changed to protect the anonymity of my enemy.
A close fourth place, however, would be the part of the meal where we dip our finger into wine (or grape juice, or Diet Coke--our family is nonjudgmental on this particular practice) and drip droplets of beverage onto our plates to represent the 10 plagues. DAM! TZEFARDEA! KINIM! AROV! For those unfamiliar with this practice, the biggest rule when it comes to this tradition is NO LICKING YOUR FINGERS, lest you will be plagued by ALL the plagues. As a first born, the idea of this has always been particularly terrifying.
Though I do fear pinky-sucking borne bouts of boils and darkness and frogs, perhaps more scary are 10 (of many) modern plagues that have plagued--and continue to plague--our society. What started as a 8-page sadgirl manifesto on the woes of humankind has become (with careful HMC editing and keen HMC insight that "no one wants to read that") AYFKM's DAILIY PASSOVER EXTRAVAGANZA! 10 Plagues, 10 days, 10 chances to read questionable parallels between biblical phenomena and 2018 crises. That's one plague per day for each day of Passover, plus an early bird plague today and a two for one plague special some time next week. THIS IS THE EXCITEMENT ADULTHOOD PROMISED!
So cue up your Shir Appeal playlist, pour yourself a glass of K4P grape juice, and get ready for Sarah Gruen’s Highly Subjective, Lowly Inclusive list of 2018 plagues and their biblical counterparts.
PLAGUE 1
MARCH 29, 2018
Welcome to the first installment of Day-Freaking-Enu: Matzo Ball Soup for the Modern Plagued Soul: A Very AYFKM Passover Special (catchy!). Tonight, we bring you Plague Number 1...
WATER TO BLOOD: CLIMATE CHANGE AND POLLUTION
With the staff that is in my hands I will strike the water of the Nile, and it will be changed into blood. The fish in the Nile will die, and the river will stink and the Egyptians will not be able to drink its water.
With Scott Pruitt as head of the EPA, the future of the planet is...bleak. This is the man who wants to slash funding for studies that explore the “effects of exposure to chemicals and pollution on health,” eliminate efficiency standards for power plants and vehicles, and roll back regulations on drilling in national parks and protected territories in Alaska; this is the man who already has okayed the Keystone XL and Dakota Access pipelines, backed out of the Paris Climate Accord, and reduced restrictions on coal and gas royalties. The Trump EPA “sent staffers memo telling them how to downplay climate change.”
Scott Pruitt alone is not responsible for the mass deforestation, habitat destruction, and climate change that has plagued our world. We all can do better in reducing our carbon footprint, in saving water and energy, in cutting environmentally harmful habits harmful out of our lives (straws! Meat! Plastic bags!). Meanwhile, the effects of climate action taken (and not taken) during administrations past have already begun to “turn water to blood.” Tens of million Americans are exposed to contaminated water every year; this pollution disproportionally affects people (and particularly children) of color, indigenous people, and poor people. Floods, hurricanes, and fires tear through our communities. Forests disappear; species cease to exist.
Let us resolve to work harder to prevent the fish from dying, the river from stinking, and the Egyptians (and Puerto Ricans and Louisianans and Chinese) from not being able to drink. And let us give up straws, even though straws make every beverage taste better.
PLAGUE 2
MARCH 30, 2018
Tonight’s the night, people! The beginning of the end of normal bowel movements--that matzo BLOCKS YOU UP! Maybe that should have been the second plague...
FROGS: ALTERNATIVE FACTS
Let my people go, so that they may worship me. If you refuse to let them go, I will plague your whole country with frogs. The Nile will teem with frogs. They will come up into your palace and your bedroom and onto your bed, into the houses of your officials and on your people, and into your ovens and kneading troughs. The frogs will go up on you and your people and all your officials.
Our country is plagued by alternative (read: false) facts. Fox News teems with fake news. Lies come up into our palaces (/shoebox apartments) and our bedrooms and onto our beds, into the houses of our officials and on our people.
Just as Egypt was invaded by amphibians, America has become overrun with shameless, insidious, and harmful lies. These lies don’t just come from the podium of the press office and the mouths of right wing pundits; they emerge in the form of fake photographs and sham ads that snake through the internet, fooling even those who claim to be savvy at detecting these things. They come from Russia and from Roseanne Barr, from Kellyanne and from Kelly.
Of course, many of the most egregious "alternative facts" of 2018 have come from our president. Trump’s lies about phone tapping, violence in Chicago, tax accomplishments, election day turnout, and torrid affairs with porn stars are embarrassing for our nation and frustrating to its citizens.
Still, what’s more scary is that this blatant disregard for and disrespect of the truth is hurting our journalism and eroding our democracy. 42% of Republicans reportedly now believe that “accurate--but negative--stories qualify as fake news.” That is bad news for a functioning democratic system, a system in which facts are a universal starting point and opinions are the things to be debated.
Let us commit to telling the truth and spreading real news, to supporting outlets that use journalistic integrity and backing those attacked by right wing toads--er, trolls. Let us suck it up and pay the $1 monthly fee for a Washington Post subscription rather than switch browsers every time we want to read an article after our monthly quota is up. And let us speak truth to power, as it is the best weapon we have on our side.
PLAGUE 3
MARCH 31, 2018
Did you, too, wake up this morning craving bagels? Did you, too, question how you will make it through the week without pasta? It could be worse, you tell yourself. You could have lice AND be unable to eat leavened food.
LICE: TOXIC MASCULINITY
Stretch out thy rod, and smite the dust of the land, that it may become lice throughout all the land of Egypt." […] When Aaron stretched out his hand with the rod and struck the dust of the ground, lice came upon men and animals. All the dust throughout the land of Egypt became lice.
Like lice, toxic masculinity is tough to eradicate. Toxic masculinity is highly contagious, especially amongst children, and once you have it, it takes significant work to get rid of it. Furthermore, both lice and toxic masculinity can be destroyed by copious amounts of mayonnaise, a fact the Egyptians were probably unaware of (if only Rameses had been given a club sandwich, he probably would have been a nice guy, and a nit-free one, too).
Let us teach boys that to feel is human, and fight against notions that men are meant to be more aggressive or dominant. Let us address the public health problems that toxic masculinity has fueled (mental health crises, school shootings, violence against women) and create policies for treating these problems that shift how we educate boys. And let us call bullshit on the notion that “boys will be boys."
PLAGUE 4
APRIL 1, 2018
A cheery topic for this joyful Easter day!
WILD ANIMALS: SEXUAL ASSAULT
For if you do not let my people go, I will send unto you, unto your servants, and unto your people and into your homes the Mixture [of wild animals] and the Mixture will fill the houses of Egypt and also the land that they are on.
Sexism and sexual assault are broad and important topics, so it is hard to do justice to them in a few paragraphs. I'll therefore go quite specific on this one and talk about how the language of this plague--the “filling of houses of Egypt and also the land that they are on”--particularly resonates on college campuses.
Though the #MeToo movement has certainly changed the dialogue around sexual harassment and this year has seen the unmasking of high-profile sexual assailants, the reality of safety in institutions of higher learning seems...unchanged.
Maybe this is because the recent wave of allegations illustrates what students and universities have known for years. Sexual assault has filled the fraternity houses and land on which students learn for decades; it is only now that the rest of society has started to reckon with this reality as well.
With that, it is time for universities--including my university--to apologize to survivors of gendered violence committed not only by perpetrators, but by policies that protect those perpetrators more than their victims. It is time for an approach to justice that prioritizes helping victims and creating safer spaces on campus for women, especially queer women and women of color, who are particularly affected by this violence.
More importantly, it is time for institutions at these universities--Greek organizations, sports teams, music groups, social housing, the list goes on--to confront the systemic toxic masculinity (see #3) that has led so many men (98% of assailants are men) to assault and harass. It is time for fraternities to stop protecting rapists, to prioritize respect and safety over bullshit notions of brotherhood.
Let us push our schools to be safer for women; let us pressure our institutions of higher learning to be a model for justice for women. Let us believe women.
PLAGUE 5
APRIL 2, 2018
Though late-season snowstorms, the LSAT, and Mondays are all personal contenders for "Worst Plague of 2018," the following plague is a bit more serious...
LIVESTOCK DISEASE: ADDICTION
Let my people go, so that they may worship me. If you refuse to let them go and continue to hold them back, the hand of the LORD will bring a terrible plague on your livestock in the field—on your horses and donkeys and camels and on your cattle and sheep and goats.
63,600 people died from drug overdoses in 2016. 2/3 of those deaths involved opioids. The epidemic has been called our generation’s AIDS crisis; life expectancy in the U.S. fell for the second year in a row this past year because so many died from overdoses. Congress recently allocated $3.3 billion in funding to fight the opioid crisis, but that’s not enough money to fully confront this particular plague, nor does it include a real strategy for tackling this issue.
Let us have compassion for those struggling with addiction, and not treat addiction as a moral failure. Let us advocate for clean needle programs, for access to naloxone and training programs on how to use it, for inclusive, universal health insurance and access to treatment programs. Let us understand that a range of economic and social factors make people more likely to become addicted and help each seek help. Let us believe and fund science.
PLAGUE 6
APRIL 3, 2018
Fear of the other is nothing new--Pharoah was so terrified of the Jews, he insisted upon tossing Jewish babies into a croc-laden river. What a deNILE of humanity!
BOILS: XENOPHOBIA
Then the LORD said to Moses and Aaron, "Take handfuls of soot from a furnace and have Moses toss it into the air in the presence of Pharaoh. It will become fine dust over the whole land of Egypt, and festering boils will break out on men and animals throughout the land."
Just as a fine, boil-causing dust covered the land of Egypt, xenophobia has spread through our nation. Hate crimes and anti-Muslim violence are on the rise, and hate crimes towards Muslims doubled in the last two years (according to the Southern Poverty Law Center). Our president tried to ban Muslims from entering the nation, and warned of “crime,” “drugs,” and “rapists” coming from Mexico. White nationalists roam the streets chanting “you will not replace us.” Moderate Republican hero Mitt Romney recently said he was “more conservative than President Trump on the fate of DACA recipients.”
The global refugee crisis is still very much alive, 800,000 Dreamers are facing deportation, and America is becoming increasingly hostile towards non-white Americans and immigrants. One could say the anti-immigrant sentiment has reach a rolling BOIL in our nation (oof).
Let us vote out representatives who don’t believe in the dignity of all people, regardless of origin or color. Let us pressure Democrats to not cave on DACA, and threaten to replace them if they do. Let us protect our Muslim neighbors, and protest in the streets and in airports when they are stripped of their unalienable rights. And let us drown out the ignorant anti-immigrant rhetoric with cries of inclusion and equal opportunity.
PLAGUE 7
APRIL 4, 2018
Skimmed while chasing matzo with vast amounts of iced tea as I do not produce enough saliva to properly swallow sawdust.
HAIL AND THUNDER: GUN VIOLENCE
The Lord sent thunder and hail, and lightning flashed down to the ground. So the LORD rained hail on the land of Egypt; hail fell and lightning flashed back and forth. It was the worst storm in all the land of Egypt since it had become a nation.
Just as hail fell and lightning fell on the Egyptians, bullets rained down on and killed 3,646 Americans in 2018, 156 of which were children and 653 of which were teenagers. The violence of Egyptian thunder and hail probably paled in comparison to the violence that is tearing through our schools and theaters and neighborhoods and homes.
I am twice the age of some of the students who spoke at the March for Our Lives last Saturday, but many of them spoke more eloquently at 11 than I do at 23. Normally, this kind of thing would set of an angst-inducing inferiority complex that would be a personal hail storm, but I felt SO HOPEFUL watching those activists kick NRA ass. Particularly inspiring moments included:
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When 11-year-old Naomi Wadler reminded us “to acknowledge and represent the African American girls whose stories don’t make the front page of every national newspaper, whose stories don’t lead on the evening news.” She said she was there to “represent the African American women who are victims of gun violence, who are simply statistics instead of vibrant, beautiful girls full of potential.”
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When Edna Chavez underscored that routine gun violence--the kind that is largely ignored--has led to a normalization of gun violence. “This is normal — normal to the point that I learned to duck from bullets before I learned how to read.”
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When LITERAL HERO Emma Gonzalez created the most powerful silence maybe in the history of our nation, concluding her brilliant speech with a terrifying call to action: “fight for your lives before it’s someone else’s job.”
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When Martin Luther King Jr.’s granddaughter Yolanda King echoed her grandfather’s famous words in stating that she, too has a dream that “enough is enough.” Today is the 50th anniversary of MLK's death; he, too, was a victim of gun violence.
Let us vote out those who value money above students. Let us not forget that gun violence is bigger than mass shootings, but an everyday reality for many, especially people of color. Let us stop taking the NRA seriously and remember that THEY ARE NOT A LOBBYING GROUP FOR GUN OWNERS BUT FOR GUN MANUFACTURERS. Let us remember that guns have created a suicide problem, not just a homicide problem. Let us not lend credence to the idea that being nice to a shooter could have prevented a shooting. Let us take a lesson from the Parkland students and Chicago activists and Newtown moms and continue to fight for gun control even if we are exhausted and frustrated and dejected.
PLAGUE 8
APRIL 5, 2018
I never said this whole plague thing would be light reading material! Who do you think I am, some kid yodeling in Walmart?
LOCUSTS: RACISM
Let my people go, so that they may worship me. If you refuse to let them go, I will bring locusts into your country tomorrow. They will cover the face of the ground so that it cannot be seen. They will devour what little you have left after the hail, including every tree that is growing in your fields. They will fill your houses and those of all your officials and all the Egyptians—something neither your fathers nor your forefathers have ever seen from the day they settled in this land till now.
Like locusts, racism has devoured our land and filled our homes. In 2017, Black people made up 25% of police killings even though they make up 13% of the population. Despite his claims that he is “the least racist person,” our president speaks of “shithole countries,” and declares white supremacists “very fine people.” The school-to-prison pipeline polices and punishes Black students from an early age, funneling students of color into detention centers. Systemic and institutionalized racism in healthcare, education, and politics continues to run deep.
Let us work to ensure that all are afforded their right to vote and push back against efforts to disenfranchise Black people. Let us give platforms to people (especially women) of color, and allow their voices to ring loudest in the fight for equality. Let us read and think about racism and use that knowledge to push for prison and police and education and healthcare and political reform. Let us declare that Black Lives Matter.
PLAGUE 9
APRIL 6, 2018
Here we go! Our penultimate plague! This is a dark one (ha ha ha)...
DARKNESS: NORMALIZATION
Then the LORD said to Moses, "Stretch out your hand toward the sky so that darkness will spread over Egypt—darkness that can be felt." So Moses stretched out his hand toward the sky, and total darkness covered all Egypt for three days. No one could see anyone else or leave his place for three days.
We are in a particularly dark period of American history. Just as a sky of total darkness requires adjusting your eyes, the Trump administration has forced us to adapt to a new normal, to think and act and react differently so as to not panic every time the president tweets.
The human ability to adapt to darkness is remarkable, but dangerous; though we can adapt to the dark, we must always remember that what is happening right now is NOT NORMAL. Threatening war with North Korea over Twitter is not normal. Standing behind Nazis is not normal. Pardoning officials accused of committing racist, dehumanizing crimes is not normal. Advocating violence at rallies is not normal. Stumping for child molesters is not normal. Hiring unqualified staff is not normal, and watching that staff leave at alarming rates is not normal. Learning more from Fox News than from briefings is not normal, attacking the press is not normal, refusing to aid and insulting victims of hurricanes is not normal, sharing conspiracy theories about the former POTUS is not normal.
We can, and should, adapt to the dark so we can continue to go to work and make dinner and not crumple into a ball of panic. But we also can, and should, stay outraged about this darkness.
Let us protest and shout and remind ourselves, and everyone else, to stay vigilant. Let us squint through the darkness and recognize that authoritarianism is brought on by a dimmer switch, not a flip of the light.
PLAGUE 10
APRIL 7, 2018
Congratulations! You've made it--WE'VE made it--to plague 10. I'd like to pat myself on the back for a moment for a) only eating non K4P food 3 times in the last week (worth it every time) and b) doing the math so that this game ends on the same day that Passover ends. These are the small victories that keep us smiling in the face of blood and boils, frogs and fake news, pollution and prejudice.
CORRUPTION: DEATH OF THE FIRST BORN
This is what the LORD says: "About midnight I will go throughout Egypt. Every firstborn son in Egypt will die, from the firstborn son of Pharaoh, who sits on the throne, to the firstborn of the slave girl, who is at her hand mill, and all the firstborn of the cattle as well. There will be loud wailing throughout Egypt—worse than there has ever been or ever will be again.
It’s hard to describe just how corrupt the current Trump administration is. There’s the Russia thing, Stormy thing, the Jared thing, the Trump Hotels thing--oh, and all the cabinet things (the Carson thing, the Price thing, and the Shulkin thing, to name a few).
It is this crippling corruption that is the biggest threat to our nation. As politicians seek to undermine the Mueller probe, to put money in the pockets of politicians and cabinet members, and to pack courts with unqualified judges and departments with unqualified heads, our democracy inches towards death.
Let us call out this corruption and cronyism, and be sure to distinguish between policies that we don’t like and policies that were achieved by corrupt means. Let us INSIST that congress protect Robert Mueller. Let us vote out those who are complicit in allowing this corruption to continue, and push for more clarity in our political system. And let us not give up on democracy and remember that the fight for just politics is worth it.
And that's a wrap. In the end, the overarching response to these plagues, biblical, modern, and personal (I’m talking self doubt, Diet Coke addiction, judgmentalism, inability to turn down carbs, the list goes on):
A resounding Dayenu. DAY-FREAKING-ENU.
Enough.