November 28, 2017

Fuck, marry, kill: Phil of the Future, Even Stevens, Life with Derek

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SG: I would kill Even Stevens since I didn’t like how they portrayed women in that show. They were always either dumb or bitchy or both, and I don’t have time for that. I’d marry Phil of the Future since, while he is a nice Jewish boy in real life and a time-machine owner on the show, his family is too incompetent to marry into. And I’d marry...TWIST (thanks, Hayley, for this trick), CORY from Cory in the House/That’s So Raven. He is from a family of cooks and psychics, he has a fun sense of humor, and HE LIVES IN THE WHITE HOUSE (in this fantasy, the White House has Obama in it).

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HC: I’d marry Phil of the Future solely because out of the three of those shows, it was the only one I actually watched. I had a pretty happy childhood (you know, before the crippling anxiety about the future set in) and Phil of the Future was part of that!! I’d kill both Even Stevens and Life With Derek because they sound yucky and annoying. I recognize that probably all kids TV shows, when you revisit them, are yucky and annoying but I don’t have sentimental memories of these. So byeeeee. I’d fuck Suite Life of Zack and Cody because the online video game for that show was my SHIT in 5th grade computer lab. I lived for those Friday afternoons. Also, some small corner of the internet revived the game and I am ETERNALLY GRATEFUL. See you all in a couple of hours when I emerge from this trip back in time.

November 23, 2017

Fuck, marry, kill: the Olaf float, the Pillsbury Doughboy float, and scary squirrel-thing maybe from Ice Age float

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SG: Yikes. I’d kill Olaf because I really dislike how all the spinoffs of Frozen, an otherwise dope franchise about empowering women, are about this annoying snowman. I’d fuck the doughboy because, while I don’t believe most store-bought baked goods, I’m shit at making pie dough and maybe the Doughboy could teach me a thing or two about that. And I guess that means I’d have to marry the squirrel? Which is upsetting, since he reminds me of the creature that snuck into my college home through a window in the night, ate my avocado, and pooped all over my kitchen. THE TUFTY TERROR LIVES ON.

HG: I gotta marry the Pillsbury Doughboy. It may roll over in the dead of the night and accidentally suffocate me but at least I’ll go down with a stomach full of pastries and a couple years of  really comfy cuddling before I die. I’d have to fuck Olaf. He’s pretty scary when he’s 50 feet long with those buggy eyes that probably glow red in the dark but I do share his hatred of winter and love of all things warm, so at least there’s that. The Squirrel float is downright terrifying, even in the light of day. I mean look at that thing! You mean to tell me that we force young children to watch this abomination for hours on end? The float is LITERALLY baring it’s teeth at me. *shivers*. I would kill that bastard faster than you could say “the commercialization of American holidays.”

November 15, 2017

Fuck, marry, kill: Keurig, Reddi-Wip, Hebrew National

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SG: I'd fuck Reddi-Wip. Not in an "ooh, whipped cream ;)" way, more in a "you're inferior to fresh whipped cream and I feel dangerous and also kind of lame doing this" kind of way. I'd marry Hebrew National because I LOVE HOT DOGS and it's good to have Judaism in politics in a non-Jared Kushner context. And I'd kill Keurig and upload the video to YouTube just like all the Hannity fans throwing their Keurigs out the window because that’s how they think a boycott works (EL OH EL). I wanna see what it is like to be that dumb!!

HC: I would marry Reddi-Wip because it's a pillow inside your mouth and i could make ALL KINDS of dirty jokes about being married to something that is always ready and down to whip ;). Fuck the Hebrew national dogs because even though cows are really cute and I don't really eat red meat, the Hebrew national infographic about which parts of the cow are the best meat was a large part of my childhood. And I would kill Keurigs - but not smash them to pieces!!!!
 

November 08, 2017

Fuck, Marry, Kill: Democrat Phil Murphy over Republican Kim Guadagno for NJ Governor, Democrat Ralph Northam over Republican Ed Gillespie for VA Governor, Democrat Danica Roem over Republican incumbent Robert Marshall for VA House of Delegates to be the first openly transgender state legislator in the COUNTRY

HC: I’d HAVE to marry Danica Roem’s victory because it is just SO SWEET. Let me explain: the guy she beat is not a “socially liberal, fiscally conservative” Republican. Robert Marshall proudly called himself Virginia’s “Chief Homophobe” (LIKE ARE YOU F*KING KIDDING ME) and also introduced a “bathroom bill” to the VA house. During this campaign, he REFUSED to debate Danica, and even refused to call Danica “she”. AND THEN SHE BEAT HIM. Like is this the definition of irony? If not, can we change the definition? Also that’s not even the best part (I know, I know). Exit polls show that her campaign’s focus on LOCAL ISSUES - mostly, fixing Route 28, the local highway people in the district use to commute - was a main driver of her win. Not only did the transgender candidate crush the homophobe, voters didn’t even CARE she was transgender. Wow. Just Wow. Ok. End of long rant.

Moving on - I would fuck Northam’s victory for VA Gov. In terms of the race, the stakes were high and many looked to it to determine Democratic and Republican strategy in the age of Trump. While we can’t draw super tight conclusions from one race, we’ve learned that, probably:  

• People’s/Democrats’ dislike of Trump gets them to vote,

• Republicans running on Trump’s policies (but without mentioning Trump explicitly) don’t get far,

• mainstream Democrats (as opposed to the Bernie wing of the party, whose candidate lost in the Democratic primary) can beat Republicans in the Trump era.

In terms of why I would fuck this victory:

• Republican candidate Ed Gillespie was kinda racist and TOTALLY “of the swamp” (e.g. someone who, according to Trump, should be drained) as an entrenched DC lobbyist. THEN he tried to run on a populist message, so I’m glad that hypocrisy didn’t triumph.

• Gillespie ran a SUPER negative campaign, including a series of ads titled “Kill, Rape, Oppress” and an ad that linked Northam to a registered sex offender. Like c’mon.

• Gillespie was endorsed by Trump and spent so much of his time catering to Trump’s base. But as SOON as he lost, Trump tweeted that Ed“did not embrace me or what I stand for.” The President does NOT stick with his team and it was hard not to see that one coming.

• Northam is super nerdy and it’s kind of cute

Last, I’d definitely kill the Murphy victory for NJ Gov. Murphy is not a super compelling candidate, and he’s very insider (e.g. a career at Goldman Sachs). He won because Chris Christie made it his mission to alienate every single New Jersey voter (remember when his government shutdown closed beaches on July 4th and then HE WENT TO THE BEACH), not because Murphy is so exciting. Phew. That was long. Sarah?

SG: That was long! Mine is shorter. BUT I’m going to break ALL THE ROOLZ. Today, I’m a polygamist. I’d marry Danica Roem’s victory and it would be a love story only topped by the victory itself. That sentence did not make sense. Hayley gave a wonderful, brief rant about why this win rocks so much--please pause your reading of my gobbledy-gook and go read that.

Welcome back! I hope you enjoyed that fun field trip to the previous paragraph. Back to polygamy. I’d also marry a whole bunch of mayoral victories, including Ravinder Bhalla’s win (the first Sikh mayor to be elected in NJ), Vi Lyles’ win (first Black female mayor in Charlotte, NC), and Jenny Durkan’s win (first lesbian mayor of Seattle). And I’d marry everything about this: John Carman, a Republican misogynist from NJ, pissed off Ashley Bennett when, back in January, he asked whether the Women’s March would be "over in time for them to cook dinner." She was so angry, she ran against him, despite having no political experience. AND SHE WON. TAKE THAT). And I’d marry Northam’s win and Murphy’s win and the general feeling of “THINGS ARE LOOKING UP.”

November 07, 2017

Fuck, marry, kill: lame excuses not to vote: "I don't know where," "my vote doesn't count," "voting is for NERDS"

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SG: I'd marry "voting is for nerds." I'm a nerd, most of my friends are nerds, we all vote, and it ROCKS! If I marry, I will marry a nerd, and we will vote together. I'd fuck "I don't know where" because even if this is a dumb excuse, it is easily fixable--a little research and boom! A perfectly pleasant fuck and an invalid excuse not to vote. And I'd kill "my vote doesn't count" because electoral politics and gerrymandering and all that shit deserve to die. HEY FRIENDS PLEASE VOTE ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE IN VIRGINIA TO PREVENT MY NIGHTMARES FROM COMING TRUE.

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HC: Same. Except for fucking the "where" thing, I'd say "fuck I don't know where" like one would say "fuck you." If you can find your nearest Dominos, you can find your fucking polling place.

November 06, 2017

Fuck, marry kill: Sarah Huckabee Sanders' finest quotes:

On John Kelly’s civil war comments: “it’s highly inappropriate” to debate a 4-star general
On JFK and Kennedy: ““All of our leaders have flaws Washington, Jefferson, JFK, Roosevelt, Kennedy.”
On the NFL protests: “it’s pretty black and white”

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HC: Honestly, I have to marry “it’s pretty black and white” quote. Technically, she was referring to Trump’s comments about the NFL protests but the use of the phrase “black and white” ANYWHERE near this issue (especially on the side that tries to minimize racial injustice and police brutality) is just so STUNNINGLY tone-deaf that it almost makes you laugh. It’s so over the top, it’s gotta be the top choice. I’d fuck the Kennedy quote, where she names U.S. President John F. Kennedy as both JFK and Kennedy. This is a light, trivial quote compared to the others, just like a one night stand. Still, though, a senior White House official should probably know the past presidents of the US....I gotta kill the John Kelly quote because COME ON. NO ONE is above debate in a Democracy (also no one is above the law - hey Mueller), no matter how much brass you have. I mean, this advice might be part of why the sexual assault statistics in the U.S. military are so high.

SG: I line up with Hayley on all of these. Wow! Hayley, you have FMK competition. I’d marry “black and white” just because it’s so unbelievably dumb that I can keep reading it and rereading it and still be shocked by its tone-deafness. I’ll never get bored of it (and at the same time, never be not horrified by it? Marriage, man.) I’d fuck the JFK quote just because it was probably a mistake (like many a fuck) but I’d like to think it was an intentional thing, since it adds to the narrative of SHS being the worst thing to happen to the press podium since...her predecessors? And I’d kill the Kelly quote since, though JK also stands for “just kidding,” I fear Sarah was DEAD serious about military officers being above the law. Death by pun! A good way to go.

October 30, 2017

For reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ske-930Mv2U

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Fuck, Marry, Kill: Cheeseburger emoji scandal, sad millennials ruining halloween scandal, peanut butter cups being the most popular candy scandal (scandalous because obvi Take 5 Bars are the best)

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SG: Fuck the Reeses news, because I’m currently very into PB despite having despised it as a child, and therefore think it would be very full circle to reach my peak of PB love and then slowly hate it again because of Fox’s usage of it to not report on Mueller. That was a run on sentence, but TL;DR: fuck the PB. I’d marry the cheeseburger emoji scandal because it’s just so obviously a terrible news filler that I almost feel bad for it? It’s a pity marriage, mostly since I have to kill the sad millennials thing because it HITS TOO CLOSE TO HOME (though I baked 115 cookies and ate half of them this Halloween and am more proud than sad about it).

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HC: TO WHOM(ST) IS IT NEWS THAT REESES ARE THE BEST CANDY? I have known this since approximately two years old. I'll for sure marry that Reeses story - we were meant to be and we will have a DELICIOUS life together. The best pairing since chocolate and peanut butter (can you tell that I have a sweet tooth?). I'd fuck the sad millennials story because maybe that would cheer them up? I don't know, we'll see if I'm that good. And I'd kill the cheeseburger emoji story because it is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS TO FILL AIRTIME WITH IT. That segment is laughable on what may be a historic news day in all of American history. Also red meat kind of grosses me out.

October 26, 2017

Fuck, Marry, Kill: US Presidents who were also cartoon characters!! Ulysses Simpson Grant, James Garfield, Chester Arthur.

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SG: I’d marry Chester Arthur, mostly because Arthur is the best television program of all time (ask me about that time I WON A PBS CONTEST TO NAME ARTHUR’S BAND) and also because I’ve always wanted new initials, and if I were to embrace the patriarchy and take my husband’s last name while keeping my middle name, Chester Arthur would be the only one of the three to allow me to do that. I’d fuck Ulysses, mostly since my inner English nerd would find it poetic to have both read and fucked Ulysses (and if the president is anything like the novel, it will be a wild experience that would leave me both proud to have accomplished and very confused). And that means I’d have to kill James Garfield, which, interestingly, is exactly what his assassin said in 1881!

HC: Though I didn’t have NEARLY the impressive band-naming childhood as Sarah, I would still marry Arthur because WHO WOULDN’T? From that dope intro song to wholesome life lessons, I feel like Arthur could make me really happy. I’d have to fuck Ulysses because the whole military general is pretty enticing. Plus, the Simpsons are just the kind of fucked up humor that make you laugh a lot for one night, but in the morning you’re like… that’s actually not that funny. And I’d kill James Garfield...I’m a dog person anyway.

October 25, 2017

Fuck, Marry, Kill: Tonight with Don Lemon, The Situation Room with Jake Tapper, and Anderson Cooper 360

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SG: OK, first, did you know that Don Lemon is 51 YEARS OLD? WHAT? He looks maybe 28. Damn. I’d marry him because he would pass on those genes to our children (NOT that you must marry to have kids). But also, Don Lemon is a talented writer, he has a kind smile, and his show is at 10 PM, which means I would fall asleep with him every night. I’d fuck Anderson Cooper 360 because AC has fun catchphrases like “The RidicuList.” Whimsy and experience? Deal me in! And I’d kill Jake Tapper’s show because his show is between 4-5 and that’s just not convenient for me to watch, let alone marry or fuck.

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HC: I’d HAVE to fuck Anderson Cooper 360 because 1. It’s Anderson, I mean come on...he’s everyone’s favorite. And you know exactly why: that on the ground reporting experience is unparalleled!! And 2. I mean I feel like a 360 degree night would be a good time for all (*raises eyebrows suggestively*). I’d kill Don Lemon because aging THAT well is a little jarring honestly. And I’d marry The Situation Room with….WOLF BLITZER (twist again). We all know that Wolf Blitzer is the timeless classic and Jake Tapper is the new model that can never quite measure up. I’m sticking with what works, and who can deny that his gravelly voice and signature glasses work?? Plus, then I could be like, a fox or something to match.

October 22, 2017

This post is sponsored by "Got Milk" and the gentle reminder that BIG GOVERNMENT CONTROLS YOUR MILK!! That is Ivana Trump, GETTING MILK!

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Fuck, Marry, Kill: soy milk, almond milk, cow milk

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HC: First, let's just kill cow milk. Even though I am totally chill with butter, cheese, and cream cheese (which is it's own class of cheese), straight cow milk makes my stomach unhappy. Most of us aren't even evolved to drink cow milk, we've just been manipulated by THE DAIRY LOBBY (dun dun duuuuuuuuh). I'm going to fuck almond milk because when you use it to make hot chocolate, it's really f&@*king good. And last, I would marry.... CHOCOLATE TRUMOO! TWIST ENDING!! I know it's technically cow milk but I have way too many fond memories of surviving off of cartons of chocolate milk as a young child to not end up with trumoo. Plus, chocolate milk is in a class of it's own. 

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SG: As stated in my bio, I am lactose intolerant BUT I STILL LOVE BUFF MOZZ more than America loves THE DAIRY LOBBY (whomp whomp WHOMMMMMMP). So I'd marry cow milk. I'd fuck almond milk because it would be NUTTY! I also like almond flavored things despite maybe being allergic to nuts, another fun fact you can find in my bio! And I'd kill soy milk because I play by the rules, HAYLEY/THE DAIRY LOBBY!

October 21, 2017

Fuck, marry, kill: Barack Obama saying "Shabbat Shalom," Barack Obama saying "Chag Sameach," and Barack Obama saying, "L'Shana Tovah"

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HC: I would marry Baruch Obama saying "Chag Sameach" in A SINGLE SECOND. It is literally what gives me the strength to carry on each day. You KNOW he did a million takes trying to get it right and each time, one of the five Jews in the room would go, "Better! Almost perfect!" I would fuck Obama saying "Shabbat Shalom" because it would be a weekly appointment. And I would sadly have to kill Obama saying "L'Shanah Tovah" because it is simply not quite as endearing as the rest of them. 

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SG: I'd fuck Obama saying "Shabbat Shalom" because it is a mitzvah and this video is so spontaneous and fun! I could use more of that in my life. I'd marry him saying "L'Shana Tovah" since it's just so goofy and dad-like and it never ceases to bring me unbridled joy. Which means I'd unfortunately have to kill him saying "Chag Sameach," which is okay since flegm is gross on just about anyone.

October 20, 2017

Fuck, Marry, Kill: Charlie Young, CJ Cregg, Joshua Lyman

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HC: I'd marry Charlie because he is a) the sweetest one, b) VERY smart, so much intellect, and c) is very caring AND LOYAL! And also pretty attractive! I would friends with benefits CJ because I'd feel bad about myself every time we fucked because I want to be her, so that's an interesting, narcissistic experience for me. But I'd still want her in my life so I could mold myself after her. And I'd kill Josh because he's brilliant and I love his arc with Donna but he is completely emotionally immature.

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SG: I, too, would kill Josh because, while intelligent, he is kind of annoying, and not in a hot way? I would feel sad about it, because Donna and I are good pals in this world, but hopefully (and TBH, probably), she finds someone whose maturity level is higher. I'd fuck Charlie because he is very kind and also would call me back! And he would make a fabulous husband! But I'm too self loathing to marry someone like that. I would 10000% marry CJ because she is the best person to ever be on TV (both the TV in the world in which Bartlett is president and also my TV) and she is funny and I think I could benefit from being married to someone so superior? It would be good for the ego. And I want to be her.

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Side note: This picture does Josh a lot of favors. If he always looked the way this picture looks (and not like the mean dad in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants), choosing to kill him would be much more difficult.

October 19, 2017

FMK: The George W. Bush oil paintings of former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, former South Korean president Lee Myung-bak

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HC: Oh, Tony marry. Those brush strokes are very controlled. Burlusconi would fuck because the painting is distorted so it would be like a kinky thing. Which means I'd have to kill SK. Which is unfortunate wording given the current events.

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SG: I'd fuck Tony! Those eyes, that hairline--he knows how to take care of himself and probably others too. Burlusconi is terrifying. The coloring is just a little too orange, too reminiscent of Donald. And I'd marry Lee Myung-bak. He looks kind, like he pays attention to which tie he wears in the morning.

HC: That point you just made about Burlusconi makes me want to switch. Kill him and have a good fuck with SK.

SG: Is that allowed?

 

October 18, 2017

Fuck, Marry, Kill: popcorn, Trader Joe's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dunkers, PBJ

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SG: This is topical because not only is the GOP planning a coup in which they will bury all NuvaRings in the earth and run ads declaring, "THIS IS THE START OF A NU ERA, AND THERE WILL BE BLOOD" [annnnd scene], but I am currently on my period and would like all of these foods! I would marry the PBJ BUT ONLY IF it is made with good, CRUNCHY peanut butter, raspberry jam, and some dope bread. I'd fuck popcorn. And kills the dunkers because I have gone months without them and am okay.

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HC: I would marry a thicc PBJ so hard. And fuck the dunkers because they are the fooking best of all foods, not just period foods. And I'd kill the popcorn.

October 17, 2017

Fuck, Marry, Kill: The variations of our favorite form of profanity: "fuck," "fook," and "fack"

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SG: I'd fuck fook, marry fuck, and kill fack (try saying that 10 times fast, but NOT IN A PUBLIC PLACE LIKE THE WORK CAFETERIA). "Fack" is just an uncomfy term--it's only used in situations of the utmost exasperation. Fook is fun, but not the cuss I'd spend my life with--it's just fun to toss around once in a while. And I'd marry fuck. I'm so sorry, Nana.

HMC: Fuck fuck, marry fook, kill fack. In this case, fuck is not being used in a "ugh, FUCK fuck" context, but rather a "I'd fuck fuck" one. Anyway, this was an easy choice.

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**A SPECIAL "I'd have an affair with" goes to "FRICK."

October 10, 2017

Fuck, Marry Kill: Young Joe Biden, Young Cory Booker, Young Tim Kaine

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SAG: Fuck young Cory Booker, marry young Joe Biden, kill young Tim Kaine (though he would be the best dad...)

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HMC: Fuck young Cory Booker, since he's really attentive and considerate. Like he shovels people out when it snows. I'd marry young Joe Biden. I'd I'd sadly (sadly sadly) kill young Tim Kaine.

October 14, 2017

Fuck, Marry, Kill: The Daily with Michael Barbaro (NYT), The Ezra Klein Show, Pod Save America

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HC: Fuck PSA, marry EKS, Kill NYT. Easy.

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SG: Marry PSA, Fuck NYT, Kill EKS.

September 27, 2017

Fuck, Marry, Kill: Graham-Cassidy, AHCA, Skinny Repeal

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SG: Ugh, I want to kill them all. Or fuck them, in a "FUCK YOU!" way. If I had to, I'd marry Skinny Repeal with the intention of a quick divorce (that was the fastest to fail, right?), fuck Graham-Cassidy (but in a FUCK YOU way), and kill AHCA since that's the piece of shit this all began with.

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HMC: Fuck Skinny Repeal, quick and dirty. Kill GC, since no one wants to be with a liar. And be stuck in a loveless marriage with AHCA with a steamy Obamacare affair (Obamaffair?) on the side.