angsty thanksgiving listicles i'm too lazy to write

Ah, Thanksgiving: a glorious excuse for family to come together and make smalltalk about the recent Virginia gubernatorial race over brothy bread casserole and dry roasted bird.

If you're like me, you, too, are at work reading shitty op-eds on how to navigate Thanksgiving dinner. I feel like my English degree has qualified me to write equally bullshit listicles to help YOU get through your holiday meal. With that, here are some ideas for articles that someday, I'll be motivated enough to write and maybe you'll be bored enough to read:

7 Green Bean Casserole Recipes That Say "Wow, Let's Confront Our Own Privilege"

"Pass the cranberry sauce," and other subtle ways to tell your grandfather that you're questioning your sexuality

I believe that everyone is welcome at my table unless you are a Republican or that sweet potato marshmallow thing or a man

10 Over-the-Top Cornucopia Centerpieces to Block Your Socially Liberal, Fiscally Conservative Aunt from Conversation

Which pie should I cry into over Facebook live (spoiler alert, it's chocolate pecan!)?

"Turkey? I hardly know how to unpack my own whiteness in a constructive way!"

People are LOVING this hack, which turns your tears into perfectly seasoned gravy

10 Stuffing Recipes That Will Help Your Uncle Come Face-to-Face With His Toxic Masculinity

Only a mashed potato addict can identify these problematic Native American costumes

Can I be both offended and proud when Nana says I look too thin? Please advise!

"How often should I baste my turkey? What is the secret to perfect pumpkin pie? Is the new tax code going to secretly help my wealthy family?"

"It looked better when Tasty did it:" One Girl's Experience With Using Buttermilk Biscuits As Pawns in Her Fucked Up Sibling Relationship

How to Confidently Announce That the Thing You're Most Thankful For Is Not Family Or Friends, But Your IUD

Holiday Looks That Say, "I'm a Young Professional Making It In The World" (Hint: Think Pilgrim Bonnet!!!)

Cornbread is Secretly Shit, As Are Most White Boys

5 Episodes of "This American Life" To Play When Your Family Goes Silent After You Tell Them You're Not Super Interested In Grad School Anymore

Eenie, meany, miney, mo, should I use Roy Moore or Al Franken as an example when talking about the prevalence of sexual assault in politics during the soup course?

Unpopular Opinion: It's NEVER Too Early To Play Christmas Music, Or To Quit Work To Become An Exotic Bird Breeder

Heartwarming! This Thanksgiving, three cousins learned that they are all taking the same SSRI.

Sheet Pan Thanksgiving Dinners That Feed Your Intellectually Starved Soul

AN IMPORTANT NOTE: THESE DO NOT DESCRIBE ME OR MY FAMILY MEMBERS I LOVE THEM VERY MUCH AND AM VERY EXCITED TO SEE ALL OF THEM. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

Many people (read: my roommates) have asked if my relatives brought this piece up over Thanksgiving dinner. Though my extended family failed to attend a single one of my clarinet concerts in high school, every cousin, aunt, and uncle came armed with a question about my methodology for writing the piece. Such queries included:

“Exotic bird breeding--is that legal in New York City?”

“Is Ira Glass Jewish?”

“So are you interested in medical school instead?”

Overall, my family was surprisingly supportive of the general gist of the article, though unsurprisingly critical of its grammar, rhythm, and “harsh rebuke against that sweet potato thing.” I suppose all critique is fair in love and yams.

#holiday #family #thanksgiving #help #listicle