season one, episode one: the one with the noise complaint

Two days ago, I returned home to my apartment to find the following letter taped to our door.

Hello,

So for the past few months, we have noticed a lot of noise coming from your apartment but have not said anything to management, hoping it would stop. It hasn't though so we thought we would write you first before making a direct complaint. The walls are very thin & we can hear everything, so please, please please do not walk on the hard wood floor with shoes on. Especially before 9am and after 9pm. Every morning I hear you walk around at about 7:30-8am & it wakes me up :(. If you could get carpets as well too that'd be great, as it is NYC law that 80% of the floor has to be carpeted. We are always hearing you guys move furniture & walk with shoes on & are very tired of it. I'm sorry if this seems like a harsh letter but if this keeps up we will have to complaint [sic] to the building. Thank you for understanding.

Best,

Your neighbors downstairs.

---

This letter triggered a veritable ROLLERCOASTER of emotions. First, doubts flooded my mind. Am I a terrible tenant? Am I worse than the chain-smokers next door?? Am I worse than The Chainsmokers???

I then grew frustrated. Who are these fragile-ass snowflakes complaining about my pull out couch? Do they not know that Trump is president and there are bigger fish to fry?? Are these bitches REPUBLICANS???

Then the big questions came to me. What job allows you to wake up after 9 AM? What NYC LAW requires 4/5 of an apartment to be carpeted?? DO THEY NOT HEAR THE JACK-HAMMER HEAVY CONSTRUCTION THAT STARTS AT 7:00 EVERY MORNING OUTSIDE OUR BUILDING???

Like any good English major, I decided the obvious solution was to pour my thoughts into a well-crafted response and tape it to their door. I scribbled the following letter and JUST as I was heading downstairs to deliver it, my roommate walked in and prohibited me from doing so.

"We don't want to stir the pot," my roommate Zoe reasoned...reasonably. I was furious, mostly at the fact that she was correct.

The neighbors' letter now hangs framed above the trash can in our apartment. Now, every time we throw away molding scallions, we think of our fellow building-mates.

My letter (typed in case you can't read my handwriting, which is "distracting," according to my 2nd grade penmanship teacher) lives below.

Dear neighbors,

Nice to meet you! We are so sorry to hear that our noise level is bothering you. We admit that we are surprised that this is the case. We don't wear our shoes in the apartment, we do not move our limited furniture around, neither of us wake up before 8:00 AM, and our floors are mostly carpeted, though we do confess that a devastating carpet fire destroyed the plush shag rug covering our bathroom floor, and we are too emotionally vulnerable to re-rug that space.

With that, we will be extra sure to keep up with our no-shoes, no waking up before 8 AM policies.

As for everything else, unfortunately, dealing with the sound of footsteps--even footsteps after 9:00 PM and on the 20% of our uncarpeted floor--is part of living with upstairs neighbors.

Therefore, please consider this note an invitation to join us in our bi-monthly 3 AM anti-dance parties, a tradition we started a few years ago in which we hover above ground, turn on soft jazz, and just float silently as to avoid disturbing other residents.

Furthermore, if you know any single, eligible, attractive, preferably intelligent bachelors, send them our way! We can be found here between 9 PM and 9 AM, usually wearing socks and little else ;)

Neighbors, we are sorry if this letter comes off as flippant or snarky. Though we are both flippant and snarky, we certainly do not want to garner a reputation as inconsiderate people, mostly because we are both pursuing careers in acting and don't want to be known as divas in the biz. This is 2018! We deserve better than that shit.

Seeing as there is little else we can do to alleviate the noise, we hereby allow you to toss stilettos at the ceiling for 40 seconds every morning and evening. We only ask that prior to doing so, you hang rugs on your ceilings. As you cited, the walls are very thin, and it is an expectation of some leases that tenants cover surface with carpet.

IN CONCLUSION, we understand if you choose to report us to the building. We are familiar with the process; we have asked our next-door neighbors to stop smoking cigarettes, our upstairs neighbors to stop having parties and not inviting us, and general management to fix our clanking radiator, unclog our kitchen drain, and inquire how long the early-morning construction outside our building will last (though the 7 AM jackhammers are probably NOTHING compared to the harsh thuds of our steely feet). We are confident that the building manager will be as quick to respond to your complaints as he has to ours, and therefore look forward to seeing you around the building for many months to come.

Fondly,

Your upstairs neighbors

P.S. Next week's anti-dance party will feature the melodic voice of Diane Kruger (of National Treasure II fame) laid over the soundtrack from The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. It is sure to be a wonderful--and impressively quiet--time.