a handful of life lessons i learned from watching a lot television these past few months

A disclaimer: this is a very self-indulgent piece. Whatever. It’s (half) my blog. I can do what I want.

I bet you thought that AYFKM would return from its month-long hiatus with some insightful content about gun control, the state of the #MeToo movement, or the fact that had Hayley and I conceived children on graduation day, they would have been born by now.

Instead, I’d like to take this time to make a case for television. The internet is not on my side in this

battle. A simple search of “is TV good for you” yielded a host of terrifying articles about how TV time can lead to obesity, increased aggression, developmental delays in children, societal isolation, and general feelings of inadequacy. Oh, and a shorter life span. OH, and sleep deprivation. AND OH, ALSO, those Ikea TV stands are a death trap.

Like my other toxic indulgences (including, but certainly not limited to, daily diet soda consumption, total ignorance of the mouse feces in my favorite bagels, and pre-emptive ibuprofen self-medication), television is not something I eschew in the name of health. Rather, I can often be found in bed, a lukewarm diet ginger ale in one hand and an Absolute bagel in the other, computer propped on my stomach so the warmth radiates my lower torso. The smell of everything bagel seasoning wafts through my bedroom as the Mac battery casts gamma-rays into my uterus. Episodes of The People Versus OJ Simpson play one after the other through the afternoon as sesame and poppy seeds fill the wrinkles in my sheets, snacks for later in the evening when the last of the bagel is gone. THESE are the seeds of hope I reap; these are the seeds of hope I sow. The whole thing is both magnificent and so, so sad.

ANYWAY, my television habits would paint me as a walking time bomb. Perhaps more accurately, my television habits would paint me as an unsettlingly recumbent time bomb.

And yet here we are! 5:30 PM on Sunday night (well, now it’s a Tuesday, but I started this on a Sunday), and I have watched 6 hours of television today. That breaks down to 3 episodes of early Grey’s Anatomy (season 2, episodes 3-5), 2 episodes of the Queer Eye reboot (my heart is with Tom), an episode of The Crown, and ¾ of an episode of The Office. I also went grocery shopping, baked a tray of brownies, burned a pot of popcorn, and thought about meal prepping for the week (I got about a sweet potato in and gave up). I certainly could have spent those 6 hours going to the gym, volunteering, investing in “self care,” writing about politics, or contacting my local representatives to fight for gun control and DACA protection.

I’m not going to get into the moral implications of choosing TV over pretty much anything else. I know that it is not the best use of my time; that’s not the point.

I watch TV because doing all that important stuff is really hard and being an adult is exhausting. Sometimes, you need to power off your brain just a little to give it fuel to do things like fight injustice and go to work and make dinner.

As long as doing stuff continues to be difficult and adulting continues to be rough, I (and other millenials and Gen-Zers and Gen-whatever-they-decide-will-come-after-Z-because-who-thought-it-was-smart-to-start-with-X-in-naming-generations) will spend time watching television. We might as well learn from it.

With that, here are a few of the biggest personal takeaways I’ve learned from my hours of Netflix and Hulu and Amazon watching. Find below a list of a handful of shows I have watched since the start of 2018. Note that this list is far from exhaustive; this is just television that I have watched in the last two months. Believe me, I could wax poetic about how The Great British Bake Off is the utopian society we should all strive towards, or how Glee DID have merits that no one talks about anymore. I haven’t watched either show since pre-2018, so they do not make this listicle. Nor do favorites like 30 Rock or Bones or House, or shows like Last Week Tonight with John Oliver or whatever Stephen Colbert’s show is called. Mostly because I’m lazy.

Without further ado:

Dramas

​​Grey’s Anatomy

I have cycled through the first 8 seasons of this show approximately 4 times. I have watched episodes from the earlier 5 seasons even more than that. Because of this, I now consider myself a medical expert. Needless to say, Grey’s has taught me how to crack a chest, perform an emergency C-section, assist on a whipple, and do open heart surgery in an elevator. It has also taught me about accepting failure and understanding that a bad choice does not make someone a bad person. Arizona cheated on Callie but she’s still kind of a hero? Bailey was super obnoxious to her interns throughout season 1 but is still a major badass? I lied about my birthday to get a free Baskin Robbins cone the other day but I’m still a do-gooder!

​​Big Little Lies

I only include this because I rewatched the first episode with my friend. This show is incredible, and the internet has far more eloquent things to say about it than I. I’ll skip to what I learned, a key thesis of BLL: men are, at best, useless. t worst, they are...well I can't spoil the show for you so I'll just say, they're much worse than useless. But at best? Useless.

​The West Wing

CJ Cregg has only reinforced Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ incompetence. Whereas the former is perhaps the greatest character in TV history, the latter spends her days defending child molesters and racists and pretending to bake pecan pie. Unlike most of the other programs on this list, The West Wing is not a show I can watch passively. That is, I can’t have it on in the background while I do the crossword or send emails or cook or half-nap—I have to pay attention. In that, I guess watching The West Wing has taught me that focus is sometimes the key to pleasure. Sexy. The West Wing itself has taught me that politics is human, and that behind every decision, good or bad, is a person, good or bad. Oh, and that Jed Barlett is the hero we all need in the White House right now. AND that my life would be significantly better if Dulé Hill were my personal assistant. Or my life partner. Or both.

Comedies

The Office

Like Grey’s, I have watched The Office…too many times (and like Grey’s, I have been picky about this watching and have cycled through seasons 2-6 many times and eschewed the shitty first and last few seasons). I think The Office has taught me that there is opportunity for growth even in the most mundane of settings, and that when life hands you a windowless cubicle, make office Olympics or put your neighbor’s belongings in Jell-O or flirt with your future spouse or start a blog. I have learned that when intellectual stimulation is nowhere to be found, it is up to me to make my own adventure. Or to complain about it to my friends via text message. Both are suitable options. My pals will tell you that the latter is my go-to tactic, and the lack of weekly content on this blog as of late would indicate that "writing my own fun" is sometimes also a task that requires a push.

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

I identify deeply with Midge Maisel. She is just so sharp. She is also a fashion icon—I only wish I could pull off a Pepto-Bismol pink coat and high waisted capris and color blocking and HEADBANDS. More than that, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (both the show and the woman) has taught me that the world is a stage, and one should take advantage of every opportunity to hone their craft. With that, I plan on honing my many crafts in a variety of situations. Where better to bake a cake than in the lasagna-covered microwave on my office floor? Who better to test out my a cappella on than my local burrito maker? What better an occasion to rehearse tap-dancing than in my apartment?

Reality

Queer Eye

This show is…truly special. Sure, it certainly has its problems, and I am not claiming that it is the antidote to Trumpism or homophobia. Issues and all, this show has made me laugh and cry and reexamine my hair routine all in a 45-minute episode. Impressive. From the misadventures of the Fab Five, I have learned that self confidence is more important than looks, that an old dog can learn new tricks, that and that my jeans are probably too big. I learned that a boxing ring is the best place to confront vulnerabilities, that margaritas can be spiced up with cilantro (unless you’re Jonathan, who HATES cilantro), and that stripes are a good intermediate if I’m too afraid to wear florals.

Fixer Upper

This show mostly makes me sad that I don’t have an open concept kitchen, subway tile, or exposed beams in my apartment. The most obvious lesson to be learned from Fixer Upper is that hard work and vision enable one to achieve the seemingly impossible. Yet my biggest takeaway is that I should paint my cabinetry white, add more plants to my apartment, and move somewhere in which a kitchen island is a possibility for under a million dollars.

Top Chef

So many life lessons here. A stiff risotto is a bad risotto. Don’t volunteer to do something you’re uncomfortable with, especially when the stakes are high. There is no place for store-bought sausage in your life. Be yourself. And don’t use vanilla in savory dishes.

Other

A lot of those Tiny House videos on YouTube

I guess they’ve taught me that stuff isn’t everything and one could live with very little, but I mostly just find the videos super relaxing. Open cabinetry! Natural light! Washer-dryer combos!

In conclusion, TV has given me life lessons that helping the homeless, engaging in politics, and working out…also could have given me. BUT those would have required me to put on pants/talk to strangers/go outside, and sometimes, self care means eschewing social responsibility for a few hours.

I promise I’ll return to promising myself to fight the good fight soon. Until then, at least the Fab Five are doing God’s work.