give this bachelorette enthusiast what she wants!

I got into The Bachelor/ette franchise recently. A liberal artist, coastal elitist, and Good Feminist (TM), I was taught that subscribing to this heteronormative nonsense was beneath me. My thirst for reality TV was quenched by Survivor and Top Chef, thankyouverymuch, and I did not need to partake in America’s obsession with catfights and pissing contests.

And then I watched one episode in college, and like a kid raised on strictly organic baby carrots who just tried their first Cool Ranch Dorito, I fell hard and fast. The drama! The ballgowns! The false eyelashes! It was all very new and very exciting.

I soon realized that I had many opinions on this previously irrelevant franchise. I was suddenly a gung-ho member of team Peter, super into two-on-ones, and a staunchly anti-Arie advocate. Perhaps most controversially, I believed (and still believe) that The Bachelor is WAY more fun than The Bachelorette; watching women play mind games with each other and get all dressed up is way more fun than men threatening to beat each other up. The female villains are hilarious and intriguing--the male ones are just dicks.

And it’s not just the villains. All the male contestants are terrible.

This season (which starts in exactly one week, so yes, AYFKM is VERY #topical) is does little to prove otherwise.

There’s Alex, a “self-proclaimed country music lover” who enjoys skiing, boating, and, evidently, teeth whitening.

There’s Colton, who spends his days “working on his charity” and caring for his dog, Sniper. While the name “Colton” is a red flag, the name “Sniper” is a red flag with “WARNING” written in red glitter glue that waves in beat with “Bad News” by Kanye West and is also on fire.

There’s Connor the “risk-taker,” Jean-Blanc the “colognoisseur,” and Kamil the “social media participant.”

And there’s Nick, the "weekend warrior" who loves to wear "his signature tracksuits.”

The only REMOTELY exciting person is Christon, a FORMER HARLEM GLOBETROTTER (the dopest fun fact to share in new situations).

Needless to say, Christon aside, I am underwhelmed.

I am underwhelmed because Becca deserves better than this. And it’s not just Becca! Last year, they handed attorney Rachel a racist, a “tickle monster,” and sneeze-in-human-form Whaboom.

For a while, I thought that the top 5 reasons I would never want to be on The Bachelorette were: 1) I am not a huge fan of wine, 2) I have crippling FOMO, meaning any time I’m not included on a date, I would cry and binge eat bowls of stale candy lying around the mansion, 3) I would miss TV, 4) I fear hot women, and 5) I fear hot men.

But in truth, I would consider going on The Bachelorette if there were men who were as dope as I am! (Sarah, where did this newfound confidence come from? Why, thanks for asking! I recently bought an orange blouse, and it makes me feel like a bright and beautiful monarch butterfly! Also, the man who refilled my Cymbalta prescription at Duane Reade said he liked my necklace, so yeah, I’m feeling pretty freaking great).

Or at the very least, I would like The Bachelorette a whole lot more if they had the kind of guys us liberal artists, coastal elitists, and Good Feminists (TM) want to see!

Like Oliver the preschool teacher! The one who opened a preschool for underserved youth and plays Haim for his 4-year-olds? Oliver has a rescue dog named Luna Lovegood, but he doesn’t open with the fact that Luna Lovegood was a rescue, because he knows that rescuing isn’t for everyone and preaching about adoption can make goldendoodle owners feel guilty. The last thing Oliver wants is for goldendoodle owners to feel guilty! Oliver has three sisters, two older ones and a younger one, none of whom got into Brown. Oliver and Annie, the baby of the family, are particularly close, and it’s really important to him that his girlfriend and Annie get along. Don’t let that scare you though, Oliver says with a wave of his hands. It’s not hard to get along with Annie--Annie is the best. And he’s right. Annie is the best. Annie offers to lend you her copy of All the Light We Cannot See, and Annie doesn't judge you when you give it back a year later and sheepishly admit that you didn’t have time to read it. “Life is busy and shit happens,” Annie responds understandingly. Oliver agrees. “The only book I read this month was Some Girls are Born to Lead,” he says, referring to the children’s book Hillary Clinton wrote back in early 2016, which he read to his 3-year olds. Luna Lovegood then pees on the floor, and Oliver mops it up with a paper towel. Oliver knows that, while worse for the environment than dish rags, paper towels are super fucking handy and perfect for mopping up dog pee.

Where is Max the medical school student? Max mostly studies for exams and occasionally leaves the hospital to go to Mets games. Max LOVES the Mets, and even had a Mets themed Bar Mitzvah, complete with blue and orange giveaway sweatshirts that had his initials, MBG in the Mets logo. Still, Max acknowledges that though the Mets theme was awesome, secretly wanted to have a Friends themed party because the only thing he loves more than the Mets is Chandler Bing. Max sometimes speaks like Chandler, saying things like “could I BE any more stressed right now?” and “sometimes, I use tiny soap and pretend that my muscles are huge!” Max knows that Chandler says some problematic shit, and that looking back on it now, Friends in general is pretty misogynistic. Still, he concedes that when he’s stressed out because the kidneys make no sense, he just turns on “The One with the Monkey” because that Marcel never fails to give him a good chuckle. Max wears glasses that look like Warby Parker frames, but are actually from Vision Works. He is proud of this frugality, and you find it cute that medical school has left him too poor to buy $95 frames from Warby Parker. He somehow always has enough money to buy Mets tickets though...but you don’t question this. Max is really nice, and wants to be a pediatric oncologist! He will decide in a few months that gastroenterology is actually more his thing (he loves understanding why he always got those bad stomach aches after eating ice cream as a kid!), and that’s okay too.

And what about Andy, a musician who realized that he probably wasn’t going to make it as a musician and now works at a startup instead? Andy really doesn’t love startup culture, if he’s being perfectly honest. The whole open-concept thing is totally overrated, Andy tells you enthusiastically, and you find it cute how up-in-arms he gets about not having a cubicle. Andy still hasn’t cancelled his Hulu subscription, even though he acknowledges that he doesn’t need Netflix and Amazon and Hulu. What can he say--he likes Hulu! Though Andy was a musician, he doesn’t have super high-brow taste in music, and in fact doesn’t like Spotify Discover since it’s just too much new shit at once. Give Andy his Hozier album and occasional “Head and the Heart” jam and Andy is pretty freaking happy! Andy doesn’t like eating vegetables all that much, but will split a salad and pizza with you when you go out to eat. Andy will then insist that you look at the dessert menu, even though he has no intention of ordering dessert. Instead, Andy will buy a pint of Cherry Garcia Frozen Yogurt at the bodega next door and you will share it on the subway ride home. “It tastes just like the ice cream and it has, like, half the calories!” He says excitedly, and you can’t help but feel excited too. It really does taste exactly the same, and there is so much less fat than in the traditional pint.

And how could we forget about Nathaniel! Nathaniel works as a writer for Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. Apparently, “John is super sweet,” and even invited Nathaniel to his home for dinner once! Nathaniel was going to go to law school, but got the gig at John Oliver and hasn’t looked back. His LSAT is still good for another year though, so it’s still a possibility! While Nathaniel is obviously hilarious, he doesn’t judge you for saying your favorite comedy show is The Office. “There’s a reason why it’s popular,” he tells you, even though he concedes that Veep is his personal fave. “You would LOVE Veep” he tells you, and you agree--you really would love Veep! Nathaniel has portrait mode on his iPhone, and is very generous with it--he understands that sometimes, people just want a photo of themselves to post on social media for an ego boost, and he won’t judge you for that. Nathaniel likes Diet Coke, and makes off handed jokes about how aspartame may kill him, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t smoke cigarettes or eat McDonalds--let him have this! Nathaniel looks great in baseball caps, and has a faded navy one with the words “Support the Matriarchy” emblazoned across the top and a leather strap in the back. He only owns one flannel shirt, and one time fell off an elliptical at the gym and hasn’t gone back since.

Look, obviously the perfect guy doesn’t exist, and if he did, he wouldn’t want to go on The Bachelorette, because if he did...it would make him imperfect because, as I have said multiple times now, the men on this show are horse shit.

But I believe we deserve to be jealous of the men Becca and Rachel and Katie and other Katie fall in love with!

I believe this show has the power to inspire cynical elitists that we, too, can find someone who matches all of the many criteria we have for a man.

And I believe that America would benefit from watching a bunch of soft boys sit in a circle and talk about how Greek life fucked them up. It would be cathartic, and it would be excellent television.

With that, I end on a prayer for sweet Becca and her gaggle of mediocre men. God, grant Becca the good sense to reject the “successful bankers with hearts of gold” and “realtor/models.” Give her the strength to turn down the hot “poetry writers” and attractive “modern romantics,” and the fortitude to say “I deserve better than a former college baseball star.”

And please, please, grant her the idiocy to not fall for the rare good one, for I, God, would like my shot at him.

Amen.