who is that unknown number that keeps calling you?

All across iPhone screens, a strange phenomenon is happening: that outdated-totally-last-century mode of communicating (read: phone calls) is blowing up.

I’m not talking about those staple callers like your mom, who calls at least once a week to ask how the job search/dating life/opening a 401k is going even though there’s “no pressure” and “if you don’t want to talk about it we don’t have to”; or the surly receptionist at your doctor’s office reminding you that you still need to get your blood taken; or your aunt, on your birthday; or your boss during that one time you dragged yourself to the gym, making you even sweatier and leaving you wondering why you gave her your real phone number.

I’m talking about the mysterious and full-of-possibility unknown numbers that sometimes leave delightful messages about how “YOU TOO can get a better deal on car insurance” even though you’re an urban millennial who doesn’t own a car, can’t possibly afford a car, and primarily travels via Uber (or, when we’re feeling particularly ethical consumer-y, Lyft) around the city to trace a path of a giant five pointed satanic star. The center of the pentagram? The patient-zero Chipotle that gave everyone the shits.

Sure, sure, this uptick in calls from unknown numbers could be due to the fact that in March of this year, a federal appeals court struck down Obama-era FCC rules that would have limited robocalls thereby allowing smartphones to be used as autodialers and allowing telemarketers to call you multiple times without penalty.

But who says they’re robocalls and telemarketers??!? What if we’re all just getting way more popular? Hey! It could happen! Not to mention, I feel like we’ve reached our limit on terrible news coming out of the US Federal Court System, and the universe (slash the fucking conservative justices) owes us this.

Regardless of the cause, I do know one thing: the 21st century version of “don’t talk to strangers” is don’t pick up unknown numbers. And as long as we’re not picking up, here are a few sunny possibilities of who could be on the other end of the line:

1. Those TV show hosts with oversized checks they just give to people who answer their doors calling to tell you they’re on their way to your place.

2. Beyonce, letting you know BEFORE ANYONE ELSE, the title and release date of her next album (which will be without Jay-Z, because it’s just better that way okay?).

3. That girl who called you fat in middle school to explain that she was just projecting her own insecurities caused by the ridiculous societal pressures placed on women and she apologizes for succumbing to the patriarchy-serving and patriarchy-pressured behavior of tearing other women down.

4. Your elementary school art teacher who thought your macaroni piece had “real potential” and is wondering where you are now.

5. That brooding, turtleneck-wearing, piercing-green-eyed boy you saw on the subway that one time to tell you that he was making eye contact with you, and that he noticed the book you were reading was very intellectual and the New Yorker/Strand tote you were carrying it in was cute (not in a condensing way). Those few seconds made him realize he could really see a future with you. Oh, and would you like to have a picnic this Friday evening?

6. Your new landlord who, in line with his populist, wealth-redistributive ideology, and inspired by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s recent win, is lowering your rent, effective immediately.

7. A packing center with an overwhelming surplus of bubble wrap that they’re hoping you can take off their hands.

8. The Apple store calling to tell you that all those old iTunes gift cards that you’ve been saving for years for no apparent reason and are now just taking up room in your wallet can be converted into actual real dollars you can use to buy things!!!

9. A courier outside your building sent by your amazing group of strong female friends with a order of chicken pad thai, a new novel, and a note that says “because you’ve been working so hard.”

10. The former inhabitants of your new apartment, calling to say they couldn’t manage to switch the address on their magazine subscriptions, so they hope you enjoy a year’s worth of The New Yorker

11. The CVS on your way to work, calling to tell you your birth control is ready, and you can pick it up at your leisure.

12. Angela Merkel, dropping in to lend tips on how to find a blazer that doesn’t make you look boxy.

#FCC #Drake #goalz