a series of (loving) questions about mamma mia! here we go again

Spoiler alert: this post reveals many important details of Mamma Mia and Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again.

Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again is the movie America needs.

This is the tale of an immigrant single mom who seeks to create a better life for daughter, a story that reflects the simple truth that it takes three men to perform the work of one woman.

It is a celebration of celebration itself, an ode to joy, a symphony of campy cacophony featuring an all-star cast of beautiful blonde people.

It is almost too good, too much of a break from reality and the day-to-day slog of going to work and cooking dinner and finding long, grey hairs on your big toe.

It is better than any SSRI I have ever taken.

Unfortunately, many, including the reviewers at the New York Times (no wonder this shitty paper is failing!) focus on the plot holes and timeline errors of the film.

Admittedly, I, too have questions about Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again, as well as its predecessor. But unlike the New York Times, I do not ask these questions in an attempt to play gotcha with ABBA enthusiasts.

No, like a mother questioning why her daughter insists upon eating Pad See Ew thrice weekly, I only ask because I care. The truth is that the second Mamma Mia is a profound exercise in escapism, a giddy, glittery, fantastically gaudy 2-hour music video complete with ruffled denim bell-bottoms, uncharacteristically Parisian flash mobs, and Colin Firth on a yacht.

With that, here are a few of the more pressing queries I have about Mamma Mia and Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again.

Why does Sophie have an American accent when she grew up in Greece?

Did Sophie go to elementary school? Does Kalokairi have an elementary school? The island seems to lack most forms of infrastructure and standard features of city planning, but the children don’t run amok, do they? Unless of course…there are no other children on this island? We don’t see any children in either Mamma Mia or Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again, but Sophie surely didn’t grow up friendless, did she?

Which brings us to the question of Ali and Lisa, the startlingly chipper bridesmaids from the OG Mamma Mia who fail to show up for the grand reopening of The Bella Donna despite being “the greatest bestest mates.” Where did Sophie meet these girls, one of whom is Scottish and the other…Welsh? The accent changes frequently. Did she live on a cruise that moored in various locations in the British Isles, rendering her accent a bizarre amalgamation of different dialects? Or did Ali and Lisa also grow up on the island? Did they meet at Kaloikari High? Was there a Kaloikari High?

Or did they meet in college? Did Sophie go to college? Did she go Greek? Do Greeks go Greek? If Sophie did go to college, did she leave for Sky? Would Donna—Oxford valedictorian Donna—allow that kind of behavior? Surely not. Then again, Sophie’s professor-smooching Oxfordian mother settled down on an island without first extensively researching the public school system, let alone the relationship between the high school’s guidance counselors and Saint Andrew’s.

How did Meryl Streep die? Statistically speaking, she was most like to die of a circulatory disease, cancer, or “external causes of injury and poisoning,” as these are responsible for 75% of all deaths in the region. Knowing Donna, however, she was probably one of the 25% that died from falling off the side of a cliff--or, given her history, she was kidnapped by a strange, handsome, monosyllabically named man (my money’s on John) who had a nice voice and a knowledge of “the best place to get souvlaki on the whole island.” John later hacked her to bits while singing ABBA’s “Delusion.”

But then again…what if Meryl didn’t die? Rather, in the still of the night, she packed up her overall collection, sailed to Athens International Airport, and boarded a plane to the United States? Why? Because after 26 years of living on budget Santorini, she secretly craved the ordinary pleasures of suburbia. Manic pixie Donna girl simply couldn’t bear to tell her friends and family that she wanted to get a bob and move to Bethesda, so she faked her death and became a Real Housewife of Montgomery County. Donna can now be found in the Gap, happily buying another plain white T-shirt and colorful infinity scarf.

This, of course, is a path that her mother, Cher dipped in hydrogen peroxide, would probably approve of. In the first movie, it is revealed that Cher (AKA Ruby, but let’s be honest, it’s Cher) a) disowned Donna after finding out she was pregnant and b) had a very successful act in Vegas. Seeing that 72 year old Cher must have given birth to 69 year old Meryl Streep at the ripe age of 3, it seems a bit hypocritical that she would criticize her daughter for getting pregnant too young, no?

There’s also the questions of whether Trump is president in the world of Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again. According to the balding Alexio, the Greek financial crisis hit the area surrounding Kalokairi quite hard, so bad things apparently do happen in the land of grape leaves and honey. Still, the residents of the island seem to have a bit too much joie de vivre to be living in a post-Trump world.

Did Donna vote in the 2016 election? She totally could have filled out an absentee ballot, as she is from Nevada, a crucial swing state. Her vote matters! Did Cher vote? Did Cher attend the Women’s March? Does she donate to the ACLU and Planned Parenthood? Does she use her helicopter to reunite parents with their children?

I’m sure Christine Baranski and Molly Weasley with a pixie cut were totally “with her.” In fact, I’m 99% positive the latter posted about her breakup with Bill and subsequent identity of a strong independent woman in Pantsuit Nation for the likes. And I'm 99.9% positive the pair considered starting a podcast post-election to talk about what it’s like to be a wealthy white woman in Trump’s America. Or Britain? Unclear where they live. Do they live together?

Why does Sophie name her son Donny? One must assume Donny is short for Donald, and in honor of the late (or maybe not so late) Donna, but seriously? You can’t name a kid Donald in 2018 because people will immediately assume the child will grow up to behave like Donald Trump. IS SOPHIE SECRETLY A TRUMP SUPPORTER? That would explain why she chose Donald over Danny or David or some combination of BillSamHarry.

And most pressingly, why did Sophie wear a poncho to the grand opening of The Bella Donna? Why would anyone wear a poncho anywhere? Are ponchos in again? Should I be wearing a poncho?

It is at this point that I must reiterate how much I love Mamma Mia. I fear I am beginning to sound like the curmudgeons who compare this film to Shawshank Redemption. Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again was not created to win Oscars. Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again was created to win hearts! And you know what, maybe La La Land would have won the Oscar if it were more like Mamma Mia. Hell, most movies would more Oscar-worthy if they were more like Mamma Mia.

I bet Trump didn’t like Mamma Mia.

All of this to say, I assume my gentle probing questions will be answered in the third installment of the Mamma Mia series, Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again! Again, if not in the fourth movie, Mamma Mia and the Goblet of Fyre Festival.

I’m counting down the days until the premiere.

#mammamia #herewegoagain #feminism