Vice President Hates birth control, left a NFL game to protest NFL protests because logic. The next president of the United States? Republicans jerk off to the idea of him not having to do with the Russia investigation. Historians will likely debate his complicity with Trump and his authoritarian tendencies.

Attorney General Like a sadistic Keebler Elf. Recused himself from the Russia investigation, perhaps so he can spend more time romanticizing the KKK and making Fudge Stripes. Oh, and Coretta Scott King wrote an impassioned letter to try to keep him from being a federal judge in the 1980s… because he’s not fit to uphold justice. Good thing he’s heading the DOJ.

Secretary of Commerce Shares his name with a beloved pig, but unlike his porcine counterpart, "has financial ties to a shipping company whose clients include a Russian energy company co-owned by Russian President Vladimir Putin's son-in-law" (NY Times). Not so radiant or humble.

Secretary of Education Anti-grizzly, anti-public school. Al Franken called her nomination hearing performance “perhaps the worst...by any nominee in the history of nomination hearings” (though to be fair, this was before that Trump judicial nominee who basically didn't know how to spell "lawyer"). Betsy’s agenda has been stifled by a lack of actual legislation, but that didn’t stop her from proposing that picking a school should be like picking “an Uber, Lyft, or another ridesharing service.”

Chief of Staff You almost feel bad for him because his job is fantastically shitty, but then you remember that he believes a "lack of ability to compromise" is what caused the Civil War, he suggested the National Guard be used to round up immigrants, and he lied about Trump’s impressively insensitive call to the gold-star wife of Sgt. La David Johnson.

UN Ambassador Threatened to "take names" ahead of the UN Israel vote a la Tony Soprano (Sarah just started watching this show, so the metaphor seems timely). Somewhat competent and therefore the media has declared that she will be our first female president.

Communications Director Tried to be contacted by Russian operatives, possibly for tips on how to perfectly press a pair of pants (according to Corey Lewandowski, Hicks was personal POTUS suit-steamer on the campaign trail). She’s since been promoted to Trump’s closest advisor.

Secretary of Labor Unknown by most, disliked by Elizabeth Warren. Supported rollback of workforce protection laws, a phrase that really brings us back to AP US History and the late 1800s deregulation period (thanks, Mr. Moeder!).

Counselor Did not coin the phrase "alternative facts." Wait, what's that? She did? ALTERNATIVE FACT. She’s said so many ridiculous things it would be pointless to try to list them all here. If you want to know anything more about Kellyanne, all you need to do is watch the SNL sketches.

Secretary of Energy The only nominee to have been on Dancing With the Stars. The only thing worse than the handling of his department is his cha-cha routine to "God Blessed Texas." Perry famously bombed his 2012 presidential run when he literally forgot what the Department of Energy was during a debate. So he was a natural fit to LEAD IT under Trump. Now THAT'S what we call irony!

EPA Director Great Scott!? More like Terrible for the Planet Scott! The only thing worse than that pun is the fate of the air, water, and forest in the hands of this guy. Scott has been busy in the last year rolling back environmental protections on clear air, clean water and declassifying huge swaths of protected public lands.

Political Advisor The last populist standing? Born a conservative warrior in the liberal slums of Santa Monica, this 32-year-old xenophobe grew up on a diet of Ayn Rand and general obnoxiousness, was mentored by Jeff Sessions, and continues to suckle at the teet of Breitbart. He may be the only person in Trump’s White House who wholeheartedly believes in Trump’s unfettered agenda.

Secretary of the Interior Attacked Patagonia for saying “the president stole your land” on Fox and Friends, and that’s about all he is known for. Still unclear what interior he is the secretary of?

Director of the VA Has spent nearly a third of his time on an international sightseeing trip to Europe, covered by taxpayers. You know this cabinet is full of shit when we kind of wish others would do the same.

Deputy Attorney General Following new developments in the Russia investigation, Trump lashed out at Rosenstein, calling him “weak” and a “democrat.” Liberal youth, you can stop your hunt for a new hero! Trump gifts you Rod, a bespectacled, beleaguered wet noodle.

National Intelligence Director Told Mueller that Trump asked him to declare there was no Russian collusion. Trump is probably pissed that he appointed this LOUDMOUTH to chief spy.

Secretary of Agriculture Sent a Jesus-filled video holiday message to his employees, using the phrase, “God sent his son to earth for us.” Icky, but not as icky as his repeal of organic chicken laws. Let’s make chickens suffer again!

US Ambassador to Israel Used to work for the law firm that represented Donald Trump. Now works for the administration that loosely represents the Donald. Casually believes that Israel should just annex the West Bank again, but is still publicly “for” a two state solution. Presumably works closely with Jared to miraculously solve the entire Middle East. All of it.

Secretary of State The Atlantic calls him “The Worst Secretary of State in Living Memory,” probably because he has decimated the Department’s work force and institutional memory. Though he has left a steaming garbage pile at the State Department for his successor to mop up, he did call Trump a moron, so we agree with him there.

Director of the National Economic Council His Wikipedia page is titled “Gary Cohn (investment banker)” and that tells you everything you need to know about his positions, goals and actions as an economic advisor. Previously a COO of Goldman Sachs, that model of corporate responsibility, we’re sure he’s a stand up guy. Also was eerily quiet when Trump sympathized with Nazis. Way to stick with us, Gar.

CIA Director Believes Trump’s tweets help the US gather foreign intelligence. Probably also believes that if you scramble the letters of his tweets and place them in alphabetical order, the resulting phrase will be the answer to peace in the Middle East. Quick, someone tell Jared!

Senior Advisor Still don’t know what his voice sounds like. Probably had something to do with Russia collusion; most convincing defense is that he's just monumentally dumb.

Secretary of the Treasury Recently received a box of shit on his porch with the note, “we’re returning the ‘gift’ of the Christmas tax bill. It’s bullshit.” We think bullshit is too kind. Wife Louise Linton is the Marie Antoinette of the government. Off with her Hermes handbag!

Economic Advisor “He's a very fun person to be in the room with.” -Kevin Hassett on Donald Trump. He then probably muttered, “when he is asleep.” BOOM, ROASTED! Nice one, Kev.

Secretary of Housing Believes poverty is a state of mind. Appointed Eric Trump’s wedding planner to be the head of the NY Federal Housing Office. Get ready for lots of naked cakes, alternative bouquets, and millennial pink accents in this year’s city plans. Also remember when he was briefly the frontrunner in the 2016 Republican primary? Good times.

Secretary of Defense Did not give out tokens of gratitude to the troops because he wanted to “save money for bombs.” Also told soldiers that their president is failing them. Neither supports the troops nor has the support of the troops--impressive!

Small Business Advisor McMahon spent more of her own money on a federal seat than anyone else in American history and lost. Also, according to Reddit (THE SOURCE for reliable news), Linda “ruined the WWE!” So yeah, we’re excited to see how she makes small businesses great again.

Press Secretary Concerned with proving that she knows how to make pecan pie, not so much with telling any semblance of truth to the press. Also wants everyone to know that she’s just a working mom trying to teach her kids about the real role model: Jesus Christ. Sounds like her priorities are in check!

Director of Department of Transportation Married to Mitch McConnell, which is confusing. Says she had a #MeToo moment, but that women who have faced harassment should “let it go.” Also confusing. One of the few well-credentialed members of the administration: was Sec. of Labor under W. Bush, and Deputy Sec. of Transportation under H.W. Bush.

First Daughter SNL (and AYFKM) think her new perfume brand should be “complicit.” Other suggestions: “Enabler,” “Contradiction,” “Prison Wife.” They all smell like a combination of poorly made shoes and flat-iron-burnt hair.

Director of Management and Budget Thinks the place he works for is stupid and is not super passionate about his job, making him more like many corporate millennials than we thought!

US Trade Representative The WSJ, that liberal juggernaut, says Robert Lighthizer as trade rep was not a very good idea. We feel like that’s when you know...